So I entered the #sunvssnow contest that took place a couple of weeks ago. It was interesting and fun, but as a new submitter, I was a little overwhelmed! My pitch wasn't chosen, and Michelle and Amy are hosting a critique session today. I decided to participate to get some feedback on my query letter and first 250 words, as I'm hoping to be ready to query the manuscript in the next couple of months.
So without further adieu:
Title: Summer's Almost Over
Genre: Adult Contemporary Romance
Word Count: 60,000
Query Letter:
Organized, list-making Sophie Newton has thrown herself into her beachside taco stand after her father said she could never run a successful business. She’s so dedicated to proving him wrong, that her ex-fiancée broke up with her because she was already “married to The Sandy Tortilla.” They might be right. She doesn’t care—she’s going to prove them both wrong, one burrito at a time.
When her summer help breaks her leg, Sophie finds herself combing the beach for a warm body to take orders. She finds that body—and what a body!—in Montgomery Winters, a tourist who stopped in town because he loved the lighthouse. An actor trying to break into action films, Mont left LA for the summer as a way to clear his head.
Sophie—desperate for help—offers him ten times what she normally pays, and Mont figures he can write an order for fish tacos as easily as the next guy. The money’s dead useful, but it’s the curvy company that really lights his fire.
When his talent agent calls to say he’s landed Mont a big audition, he tries to cool the growing connection between him and Sophie so neither of them will get hurt. After all, this summer was never about anything permanent—until he can’t shake her out of his head.
As Mont prepares to leave town, Sophie realizes that it’s far more than her bottom line that will suffer without his wit, charm, and intelligence. For the first time in well, ever, she wonders if there’s more for her than making salsa seven days a week, if there’s a possibility of a future for her and Mont.
But what she really has to answer is this: Can she let go of her grudges in time to show Mont that she’s ready for true love?
First 250 words:
Sophie handed an order of carne asada quesadillas out the window of her taco stand—The Sandy Tortilla—and pasted on a fake smile when a woman who was obviously one half of a newlywed couple took them.
She’d been working the stand for enough summers to recognize the glow of the newly hitched, even without the enormous diamonds. The men couldn’t stand more than two inches away from their wives, like they might wander away if given the chance.
Yes, Sophie had seen enough newlyweds to overdose on sweetness without even getting a taste of sugar. Her stomach lurched as she returned to the orders hanging above her grill. She focused on tossing the chicken onto the flattop, slathering the cilantro spread on the tortilla, and crisping up the chips.
With her utmost concentration on her cooking, she didn’t have room to obsess over Mark.
“Chicken verde,” she called out the window, and a teenage girl stepped forward. At least she wasn’t in her mid-twenties with a huge rock on her finger.
Sophie glanced down at her left hand, where, until recently, she'd worn a gold band with a single diamond on it. With a little imagination, she could see a tan line where the ring had sat.
Mark hadn’t wanted to set a date, something that frustrated Sophie. She liked deadlines, and making lists, and meeting goals. Without a date for the wedding, she couldn’t plan the event.
----
What do you think?
Thanks for reading and critiquing! I'll be heading around to get my critiques done this weekend too. (I think Michelle will have a link list on her blog.)
What I Liked:
ReplyDeleteThe query certainly has some humor to it. Which is awesome. Love "and what a body" :)
Also the query gives all the needed information and a good snap picture of the story.
My favorite line of the excerpt was: "Yes, Sophie had seen enough newlyweds to overdose on sweetness without even getting a taste of sugar."
What Needs Work:
The excerpt looks pretty good. I did feel like you needed to expand a little bit on "obsess over Mark." You could even just say obsess over her ex-fiance, Mark. To make it more clear.
Also I would consider reworking it a little to make the favorite line I mentioned above your first one. It's humorous, ironic and just all around great.
You lost me on the query. It's a little wordy. Doing things like switch sentences around like: "After her father said she could never run a successful business, organized, list-making Sophie Newton throws herself into her beachside taco stand." might help with that.
When you say her summer help broke her leg I thought that Sophie's employee had attacked her and broken Sophie's leg. You could just say she loses her summer help.
Also, the end confused me because I forgot what her grudges were. Maybe she has to decide if she can let go of the taco stand?
Hi!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a really fun summer read! I love that I feel like I already know Sophie, just by the details and the voice in the query. Nice job!
The query could use some tightening up. Like Krista, I read the broken leg incident as someone attacking Sophie. I was also a little confused about "ten times the pay" ... I wasn't sure it would be realistic for a struggling startup to offer $70 an hour rather than $7...
There are a few sentences that are a little long, and in the closing I'm not sure about the stakes for Sophie. (They're clear for Mont - if he stays he'll lose out on his acting career, but for her ... what does she have to lose?) And I'm really curious -- what are these grudges that are mentioned at the end? I'd love some teaser specifics!
In terms of the first 250, I agree with Krista also about starting the the story with that hooky line. Love it!
More generally speaking ... in some ways I like that we're immediately thrust into her taco stand world, and you have some lovely/mouth-watering details, but another part of me feels that this scene is maybe a little too ... expected? From the back-of-book blurb, people are already going to know the premise of the book, and so while it's nice to get a taste of that, I'd really love to see you introduce something we don't already know about the character in this first 250. I'm a sucker for openings that make me go "whoa, I didn't expect that!" Maybe placing her in a different setting, so we see some of her other interests or places she likes to haunt? Or some trains of thought that give insight to what else is going on in her world besides the relationship/taco things?
Just a thought!
Your query gives a good sense of character and stakes, the only problem is it's wordy so it lacks tension in certain areas. The middle especially suffered from this, but some places I felt myself getting a little lost were:
ReplyDeleteSophie finds herself combing -> When Sophie loses her summer help, she combs
Montgomery Winters, a tourist who stopped in town because he loved the lighthouse. An actor trying to break into action films, Mont left LA for the summer as a way to clear his head. -> MW, a struggling actor taking a break from LA.
Also, "ex-fiancée broke up" is confusing. Just say her fiancee broke up with her.
I also don't rec ending with a question.
As for your 250:
Holy long first sentence! Tighten it up a bit and tweak the grammar. However, I don't think you open with enough of a hook. I'd like to see the setting fleshed out a bit more. Is this a beach in a small town? A honeymoon destination? Why has she seen so many newlyweds?
I also felt like the voice wasn't very strong, especially when she's in the taco stand. This is supposed to be her world, her pride and joy. It just felt very subdued and mechanical.
Best of luck with everything!
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteI read through your query and loved it. Then went back to find something. But I can't find anything to nitpick at. I'd say try tightening, but not if it involves losing the voice of a likable character or some of those awesome sentences you have there. The query flows well. So, I don't have any suggestion to make re: changes. Sorry.
250 - I didn't get the same impression of the MC from this excerpt. Here I see her as more frustrated, somewhat bitter, and maybe even bored / frustrated with her job and the monotony? I'd suggest balancing out her thoughts of the missed opportunity with Mark and thought about other married people with thoughts about her job and the need to prove herself. That's part of the stakes, isn't it?
Thanks for the read :)
I would agree that the stakes in the query aren't terribly high for Sophie. What's the worst thing that happens if Mont goes back to LA? The relationship fizzles, what's the big deal. Also, I'm having trouble with the ten times as much pay. It doesn't seem realistic for a struggling young business owner no matter how hot the help is. I would also agree that it sounds like the employee broke Sophie's leg and not the other way around
ReplyDeleteAs for the excerpt, I love the visceral details and the sense of how resentful she is of other young people's happiness. Also the food details are great and that line about overdosing on sweetness without ever getting a taste of the sugar is excellent. I might lead with that. I hope this helps.
The first paragraph is a little long. It lacked the basic hook that gets an agent to read more.
ReplyDeleteThe whole thing could be a bit tighter. For example, "For the first time in well, ever, she wonders..." I thought you could have said, "For the first time ever..."
In the last paragraph--What kind of grudges does she have--just the ex? I felt like the stakes weren't high enough. Where is this taco stand located? Is it far away from where Mont might go? I thought maybe Mont should make 2 or 3 times the normal amount. 7 seemed unrealistic.
You might want to mention Mark's name in the query. It had to go back to make sure who he was after reading the first 250.
That being said, I really like the idea! It sounds like a great read. (So do your others!!) I love the idea of each having a different location.
Hello!! This sounds like a fun read.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I have to agree about the query that I couldn't figure out the stakes for your MC other than that the LI will leave. I'd also maybe like to know him better than simply "hot city guy who is bored enough to take orders at a taco stand." I know he has to be so much more, and I really want a sense of that :D
Your 250 takes me right there. Some of the sentence structure needs a little polishing, and IDK if it is the best place to start, but I did get an excellent sense of the mood, setting, and MC. :D
Hope this helps!!
Query Letter:
ReplyDeleteOrganized, list-making Sophie Newton has thrown herself into her beachside taco stand after her father said she could never run a successful business. She’s so dedicated to proving him wrong, that her ex-fiancée broke up with her because she was already “married to The Sandy Tortilla.” They might be right. She doesn’t care—she’s going to prove them both wrong, one burrito at a time. (I don’t read contemporary, but I love this voice and humor)
When her summer help breaks her leg, Sophie finds herself combing the beach for a warm body to take orders. She finds that body—and what a body!—in Montgomery Winters, a tourist who stopped in town because he loved the lighthouse. An actor trying to break into action films, Mont left LA for the summer as a way to clear his head.
Sophie—desperate for help—offers him ten times what she normally pays, and Mont figures he can write an order for fish tacos as easily as the next guy. The money’s dead useful, but it’s the curvy company that really lights his fire.
When his talent agent calls to say he’s landed Mont a big audition (You’ve switched POVs. I would try to write this whole thing in Sophie’s POV only, since it’s her voice which drew me in), he tries to cool the growing connection between him and Sophie so neither of them will get hurt. After all, this summer was never about anything permanent—until he can’t shake her out of his head.
As Mont prepares to leave town, Sophie realizes that it’s far more than her bottom line that will suffer without his wit, charm, and intelligence. For the first time in well, ever, she wonders if there’s more for her than making salsa seven days a week, if there’s a possibility of a future for her and Mont.
But what she really has to answer is this: Can she let go of her grudges in time to show Mont that she’s ready for true love? (Don’t put questions in queries)
First 250 words:
Sophie handed an order of carne asada quesadillas out the window of her taco stand—The Sandy Tortilla—and pasted on a fake smile when a woman who was obviously one half of a newlywed couple took them. (Why the fake smile?)
She’d been working the stand for enough summers to recognize the glow of the newly hitched, even without the enormous diamonds. The men couldn’t stand more than two inches away from their wives (So are they standing near or far? I’m lost), like they might wander away if given the chance.
Yes, Sophie had seen enough newlyweds to overdose on sweetness without even getting a taste of sugar. Her stomach lurched as she returned to the orders hanging above her grill. She focused on tossing the chicken onto the flattop, slathering the cilantro spread on the tortilla, and crisping up the chips.
With her utmost concentration on her cooking, she didn’t have room to obsess over Mark.
“Chicken verde,” she called out the window, and a teenage girl stepped forward. At least she wasn’t in her mid-twenties with a huge rock on her finger.
Sophie glanced down at her left hand, where, until recently, she'd worn a gold band with a single diamond on it. With a little imagination, she could see a tan line where the ring had sat.
Mark hadn’t wanted to set a date, something that frustrated Sophie. She liked deadlines, and making lists, and meeting goals. Without a date for the wedding, she couldn’t plan the event. (I would end at the above paragraph, since this seems to be in the middle of a thought)
Hi there! Disclaimer- I don't read much romance. That said, I wonder why a beachside taco stand, and how could she pay Monty 10x normal rate? I also wonder what draws them together apart from physical attraction. Mark should be introduced by name since he appears in your excerpt. Nit pick, fiance= male, fiancee=female.
ReplyDeleteShe doesn't seem to have a strong conflict or stakes in relation to Monty, apart from him leaving possibly. Is this enough for a strong character to work with, leave and go after him, get him to stay etc?
Lastly, OP has suggested starting with another part of her story. Maybe with her searching and finding Monty, so they interact straight away. I'd like to see that! and this section could come later, with its details, not wasted.
Good luck!